Family Guy Porn Story: Conkers Bad Family Day Chapter 2

Conkers Bad Family
Day

Today was the day when
the true weirdness was sure to occur. Conker had been taken into the
Griffin house and things were bound to get interesting as a result.

Conker roamed around
the house and asked, Hey, guys do you gots any beer? Im in
desperate need of some.

Im sure youll
find some, Chris stated, Dad probably has lots in the fridge.

Peter turned to him and
stated, Probably have some? I practically own beer!

Well, what you got?
Conker asked as Peter grinned, pulled a can out of the fridge and
said, We have the famous beer from Pawtucket Pat.

The squirrel tried some
and said, This isnt bad.

He wandered off into
the living room where Stewie was having a tea party with his teddy
bear, Rupert. He gasped at the sight of the squirrel and shouted,
You stay away from Rupert!

Conker noticed the kid
clutching his bear and stated, Look kid, I wont shoot him
without a reason. Its not like Im in a war where I have no
choice. Besides, that bears already stuffed.

No, Rupert is not
stuffed! Stewie retorted, Hes a REAL bear, a REAL BEAR!

Suddenly, a talking
white dog named Brian entered the room and stated, Still denying
the fact that Ruperts a toy, I see.

Stewie gaped at his
oppressor and spat, Shut up, you infantile stupid! Rupert is not
a toy!

Brian shrugged and sat
down on the couch. Playing on the TV was Seinfeld.

(On the screen)

Jerry stood on stage
and asked, You know when youre walking down the road and you
notice a man being mugged right in front of you but you dont do
anything? Well, you should! Its not like the police are capable
of saving this mans life, are they?

(Off screen)

Brian laughed and said,
Oh, you just cant beat the classics, eh Peter?

He turned around to
notice that a squirrel was sitting where the fat man usually sat.
The dogs eyes widened and then closed half way as Brian got off of
the couch, marched into the kitchen and asked, What is this
squirrel doing in our home? What? A talking dog isnt enough for
you?

Lois sighed and said,
Brian, this is Conker. He is not our new pet or best friend. He
came here from another dimension and needs a place to stay. Im
sure youll become the best of friends. Now go have a leisure
conversation with him.

Brian refused to move
as he stared at the woman with a little spite in his eyes.

Lois sighed, pulled out
a stick, shook it around and said, Here boy, go get the stick!
You want the stick? She threw it into the TV room and exclaimed,
Go get it!

Brian playfully ran
into the TV room after the stick, picked it up and put it in his
mouth. When he turned around, he realized that Lois wasnt there,
spat the stick out and muttered, Dammit, I guess I have no choice
now. Well, I could leave the room, but Lois might trick me with
another stick again.

The dog sighed, climbed
back onto the couch, turned to the squirrel, slowly let out his hand
and said, Hi, my name is Brian. Nice to meet you.

Conker shook his hand
and stated, Hi, my name is Conker the Squirrel. You want a beer?
I cant finish my second one.

Brian happily took the
beer and said, I guess having a squirrel around isnt exactly a
bad thing.

After exactly 20
seconds, Lois came back and found that Brian and Conker were drunk
and having a pointless conversation about ants.

Did you know that if
you stick an ant up your nose, it will have no negative
consequences? Brian asked.

No way! That cant
be true! Conker replied.

He reached for another
beer only to find nothing there. He gasped and whined, Oh, Brian,
its a federal state emergency! It would seem that we are out of
alcohol!

Peter shuddered and
shouted, My Peter senses are tingling! We must go to the super
market for some beer!

With that, the entire
family along with Conker drove to the super market. They exited the
car as Conker looked at the tall building and said, So, this is a
super market. Where I come from, we have nothing but pawn shops and
fruit stands and taverns.

Peter turned to Conker
and said, Hey, me and the guys are going to the drunken clam
tonight. You wanna come? Ill introduce you to all my friends.
Itll be magical, more magical than the time I was in One Piece.

(In the One Piece world
during a flashback)

Peter was sitting
around drinking all the grog. Zoro stormed up to him and spat, Stop
drinking my grog, you fat bastard!

Oh yeah? Well
shut up moss head, Peter stuttered, trying to think of a better
insult.

Surprisingly, Zoro took
offense to this, ran into a corner and started crying, He called
me a moss head! Only Sanji is allowed to call me that!

Suddenly, Luffy popped
up out of nowhere and shouted, Im gonna be king of the
pirates!

(End flashback)

Everyone went a
different way in groups of two so they could cover more ground. Lois
and Chris covered the house care aisle while Peter and Conker covered
the aisle with beer in it. Meg and Brian decided to pick out the
days dinner.

Peter turned to Conker
and asked, How much should we buy?

How about 12
10-packs? Conker suggested.

No, Peter said,
Well need a lot more than that. Well need 12 16-packs.

Lois and Chris were
done shopping for toilet paper and were in the mild department. Lois
pointed towards a counter and asked, Chris, honey, can you get me
a pale of ice cream from the back?

Chris walked over to
the freezer shelves and reached for a pale of ice cream from the back
only to be pulled in by a bony hand that was also clasping onto the
pale of ice cream.

Who are you?
Chris asked as a little toddler with a mafia outfit hushed him and
said, My name is Reborn, and the boss sent me to make you the new
mafia boss. See, you get to have me and my magic bullet as
partners.

Chris screamed, took
the pale of ice cream and leapt out of the back of the shelf. Lois
stared and asked, Why were you all the way in the back for 30
seconds? You could have caught a cold back there!

While Brian and Meg
picked out what kind of chicken to buy for dinner, a fat kid ran
through Brian with a light surrounding him thus turning Brian into a
hot dog. Brian glared at him and snapped, Turn me back, Bob from
Braving the Elements!

Anyway, after a while,
everyone had gotten what they needed from the super market and were
ready to come home. As they drove towards home, a big hand made out
of a familiar smelly substance came out of a sewer pipe, grabbed the
car and flipped it over.

The group exited the
car as Stewie plugged his nose and exclaimed, Whoa! What is that
monstrous odor?

Chris stared in shock
and said, I smell a poorly planned poop joke coming on.

The owner of the hand
that flipped their car over revealed himself from the sewers. His
body was made entirely of poop.

Peter gasped and
shouted, HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS THAT?

Conker slapped his
forehead and uttered, Oh no, you dont wanna know.

As a bunch of opera
music played, the creature came fully out of the sewer, cleared his
throat and sand, Me-me-me-me-me-meeeee I am the great mighty
poo, and Im going to throw my shit at you! A huge supply of tish
comes from my chocolate starfish. How about some scat you little
twat?

He pulled a big lump of
poo off of his right shoulder and hurled it at the group. Conker
noticed that there were no B pads to help him, so he spat, Lois,
hand me a roll of toilet paper!

What? Lois
retorted, Toilet paper isnt going to clean up that much guck!

Just give me a roll
of toilet paper, he snapped, I know what Im doing.

Lois handed the
squirrel a piece of toilet paper. The poo started throwing massive
chunks at the squirrel, who simply dodged it. He dodged ten more
lumps until the poo opened his mouth and started singing for no
reason.

It was then that Conker
hurled the roll of the poo-killing paper into the things mouth.
The great mighty poo coughed up some poo along with the toilet paper
and sang, Do you really think youll survive in here? You dont
seem to know which creek youre in. Sweet corn is the only thing
that makes it through my rear. How do think I keep this lovely
grin?

The poo flashed its
sweet corn-made teeth and said, Have some more caviar.

With that, he threw
more chunks at the poor squirrel. Conker dodged the assault only for
Meg to be squashed under a pile of shit.

Why didnt you
stop that from hitting me? she asked. There was a dead silence as
she spat, I could have been killed! When she received no
response, she growled and walked off in blind fury.

Peter stared and asked,
Whats that guys problem?

Conker once again
waited for the poo to start singing again before he tossed another
roll into his mouth. The poo coughed up more toilet paper and sang,
Now Im starting to get rather mad, youre like a niggly
tickly shitty little tag nut. When Ive knocked you out with all
my bab, Im going to take your head and ram it up my butt?

Your butt? Conker
asked.

My butt!

Your butt?

Thats right, my
butt!

Ew!

My butt!

UGH!

My
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Everyone watching this
scene couldnt help but feel disgusted. Tom and Diane stood nearby
while Tom announced, It would appear that a giant piece of poo,
possibly from Dianes last trip to the bathroom, is attacking
people while a squirrel is fighting it off. Back to you, Diane.

Diane grimaced and
said, Reports indicate that it might have been from Toms last
trip to the bathroom.

Conker hurled yet
another roll into the poos mouth as it took a deep breath and let
out a loud musical hollering noise. Conker noticed the window to an
exhibit on the worlds largest toilet had been smashed. He and the
Griffins worked together to push the toilet outside.

Amazingly, the poo was
dumb enough to sink into the sewers and poke its head up through the
toilet. With that, the group used all their might to force down the
flusher as the great mighty poo span around and around cursing, Oh,
you cursed squirrel, look what youve done. Im flushing, Im
flushing! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought
that such a good squirrel could defeat my beautiful clagginess? Im
going, Im going! NOOOOOO!

Peter grinned and said,
Now thats what I call a bowel movement, as a bunch of
finishing opera music sounded in the background.

Lois turned to Conker
and asked, How did you know that your strategy would defeat it?

Conker sighed and
explained, Hes an enemy from my world, which means that other
enemies must have come here too.