Family Guy Porn Story: Dowries from his Majesty Part 1

In the quiet town of Quahog, the Griffin Family are having a family dinner. All except Peter, who is at the bar with his family.

Brian: You know Lois? I think this is your best pot roast yet. Why I could taste a dash of vinegar and…what is that? Paprika.

Lois: Why thank you Brian. And yes, I did add a little paprika. Stewie, stop playing with your food. You’re a growing boy. Don’t you want to grow up as strong and tall as your father.

Stewie: Oh yes. Those are fetching role models. I would definitely want to grow up to get married and have a mentally retarded son and a man of a daughter. Next thing you’d want me to do is join some random fraternity and go on a drinking binge every night with my pledge  brothers.

(Flash to a bar where Stewie is walking to greet a group of unknown guys)

Frat: Hey Stewie.

Stewie: Hey bros. What’s shakin’.

Guy #1: We’re about ready to play a game called “Cute or Shoot”. Pretty much, we go round the table and each one of us must go to a random cute girl in the bar, tell her she’s cute and get her number. Every time one of us fails to complete our task, that person must drink a shot of this whiskey.

Stewie: You guys know that if you pour hard whiskey on a slab, it cooks the meat in mattter of minutes, right? That’s what it does to your body.

Guy #2: Coke can clean rust off a copper exhaust pipe, but you don’t see me going cold turkey.

Stewie: Duly noted! I’m in!

(Five rounds later. One of the bros comes back to the table with a number from one of the bar girls)

Stewie (drunk): Oh du…dude. You so…you so suck. How the hell… do you guys do it? I’ve gone five times…and five times I have downed…a shot of this awesome Whiskey. Oh…look. The bottle’s all done. Hey! Hey…bitch! Get your ass over here… and get us another bottle of whiskey… Yeah. And after that, come here and suck my cock! *Dwaap* (Stewie hits the floor passed out)

(Scene returns back to the house. Peter walks into the kitchen all drunk and swaying from side to side)

Peter: Dadadaaaaa! Dadadaaaa! Oh Danny Boy! The pipes, the pipes are calling.

Stewie: Why hello enibriated fat man. Oh wait, it’s father who I’m supposed to emulate.

Lois: Oh my God. Peter! You’re drunk!

Peter: Why Lois, it seems I am. Dahehehehehe. Why don’t you sober me up a little. Let’s go upstairs.

Lois: Peter! Not on the dinner table.

Peter: So would you prefer the couch?

Lois: Brian, take the kids upstairs. I’ll deal with Peter.

(Brian motions Chris and Megan out of the kitchen, but when he tries to get Stewie, Stewie shoos him away from him)

Stewie: Don’t touch me, you lousy excuse for a terrier. I want to see the fat man get it.

Brian: Come here.

Stewie: I say! Unhand me, cur!

(Brian leaves with Stewie)

Louise: What the hell, Peter! You can’t just come in here drunk like Scottish men on St. Patrick’s Day!

(Scene moves to Scottish men barging into a home)

Scotsman #1: Blimey, O’Brien! That wos’ one hell offa fight down at Scotties, hey?!

Scotsman #2: Aiye! Who knew Scotties wife had a fookin’ mean right hook.

Both men: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

(One of the Scotsmen’s wife stands up)

Wife: Look at yeh two! You have no righ’ bargin’ in here drunk like an American o’ Independence Day cousin’ in front of the kids, O’Hair.

O’Hair: Oh shet up, you old croon. Befur I hang ye’ on ye’ legs an’ beat ye’ like a peniata. Now go get me an’ me boy some Wheske.

(Back to home)

Peter: Oh Lois. Stop being such a stiff…Ye’ want me to kiss ye’. Heh, heh? Ye’ want me to kiss ye’ all over, you dirty girl.

Lois: Peter, no. You’re drunk. (Defenses lower and Lois becomes less resistant) Oh, Peter. No. No, don’t touch me there. Ah!

Peter: You know ye’ like it, you dirty girl.

(Meanwhile, Brian is outside listening in while jerking off. Stewie walks downstairs and catches Brian in his dirty act)

Stewie: Hey, dog. What are you doing there?

Brian: Uh… go to sleep Stewie. I’m just scratching the door.

Stewie: Or the doorknob. And why are you leaning your ears towards the kitchen? And what is that sound? And why do I feel weird…

Brian: Rurururururuu!

Stewie: Aah! Mummy, Daddy! Brian wants to bite me again!

(And Brian chases Stewie upstairs to bed)